well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
my liver is dry heaving
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
