i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
