Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
