So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
