I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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