I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Boobs are out for the taking
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
