So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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