distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
