i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize