I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
