I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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