I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
