They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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