theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
