So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
