If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
