I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
