I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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