I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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