everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize