This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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