sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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