drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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