Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize