Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
