im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
