I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
