If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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