Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
