he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
not ubering you a puppy
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
