Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
