my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
