I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Randomize
