so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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