sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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