i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
