Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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