cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
what day is it and did you see me today?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I will be naked everywhere
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
