took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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