I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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