Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
