omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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