I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
