im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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