do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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