I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
farters have to be the big spoon...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
