u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
