So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You brought string cheese to the strip club
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
