I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
