I'm eating all of the evidence.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
