"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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