so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
