What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
