I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
