In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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