tell your sister to shave her snatch
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
