your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
