i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
