i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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