"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
