Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
