This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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