Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
