U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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