So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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