Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
