Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
