Tell her she can't have a vagina
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We need to get me chipped asap
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
