she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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