They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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