apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
