you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize