dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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