if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
