This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize