I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I need to stop coming to work sober
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize